Land of the free, because of the brave.

Dear Reader,

Today is the final day of our tour.  Tonight we will be performing for the 11th time on this trip.  

3 comedians performing 11 shows in 20 days in 5 countries on 2 different continents.  

This is a really important day in the history of the military in our country.  Last night President Obama presented his first State of the Union address where he discussed important issues facing our country and in particular our military.  It's interesting being a comedian on a military installation the day after a speech like that.

I mean, it's our responsibility as comedians, and as the great Bill Hicks once said, to "as the consensus is forming to say, wait a minute..."  And here we are on a base, one show to go, with an opportunity to discuss these really important issues with a very unique audience.

I'm sure there are a slew of comedians and late night talk show hosts salivating at the discussion of "don't ask, don't tell."  I'm sure they are equally interested in discussing all of the other points the President discussed from the surge in Afghanistan to the state of our weakened economy.  And yet here we are with the ability to not only write about these things but get a direct response from those most directly effected by them.  

Before we leave on these trips we're given a list of topics, issues, words, ideas etc. that we are supposedly not allowed to say or discuss.  Things like don't use any foul language, don't discuss religion or politics, don't discuss the base, don't discuss whatever host country you are in.  In a sense, don't do standup comedy.  However, once you take the stage and simply read this list of things you are not allowed say outloud to the troops, once the laughter has subsided you realize that they are people just like the rest of us who are truly most pleased when you discuss the elephant instead of avoiding it.  

I tell you what I am sick of, The goddamn Australian Open.  Are there really that many tennis fans out there?  I mean golf I get.  You grab a cart.  You get some beers.  Even the elitist attitude I witnessed for years working at the shittiest of channels known as The Golf Channel I could understand what was enjoyable about the nature aspect.  But for christ's sake what the hell is so appealing about watching tennis?  Maybe its just because every DFAC from Timbuktu to Portland, ME or Portland OR for that matter has had the tennis on and frankly I'm ready for the WNBA.  I THINK I COULD LEARN TO LOVE THIS GAME!

Note #2.  Thanks to everyone reading.  Seriously, it's really very cool that people will email me and ask when the next one is coming.  There was one comment on my last one from somebody who didn't dig this and all I can say is, you don't have to read it.  This is not required reading.

So tonight is the end.  The final hoorah.  The last shabang.  One more cup of coffee for I'll go as Bobby Zimmerman would say.  

I realize our last update came from the airport in Dubai on our way to Qatar and quite a bit has happened since then but in the interest of keeping this thing as short as possible I'll just run through a few of the highlights.  

First of all I just want to say thanks again to all of our fabulous escorts at each base.  Jeff, Tina, Sgt.Mez at MANAS, Capt. Amber Ortiz in the UAE as well as Camillo and the man the myth the legend Buz Buzolich in Dubai.  To Raul, Melvin and the rest of the boys in Djibouti sorry again for losing my base pass.  The idea that I lost it was only worsened by the thought that an endangered cheetah may have swallowed it.  To one of my dearest friends Whitney Oliver, you are always a highlight on these trips and I hope to see you again in Qatar one day soon.  To Sgt Ratley and Key at the Camp I know we were only with you guys for less than a day but it was a packed day and an awesome show.  Also, Sgt. Jenkins for doing a more than capable job stepping into the shoes of the Great Tony Randall.  We appreciate it!  And finally here in Saudi. To the guys who showed up at the airport at 3am because the AFE continues to struggle with itineraries, Cliff and Dong, you guys are always a welcome site to see when a tour comes to an end.  

The shows in Qatar were sold out, standing room only.  After closing the final show in Djibouti I opened the first show in Qatar followed by Lauren and then Johnny.  The second show was again opened by me and then Johnny followed and Lauren headlined.  Overall I think they were all a huge success.  I spent the first 10 minutes of the second shows explaining to the crowd why I was rooting for the Jets and why if they had any sense of conscience they would as well.  Unfortunately we then watched with everyone as Peyton Manning led the Colts to a come from behind victory.  God I hate that team.  Go Saints!  WHO DAT!?

Anyway, it's surreal watching sports at 130am but if its on and it's the nfl you gotta watch I think.  

Our second destination in Qatar, Camp As Sayliyah was just a quick stop.  We were transferred, given a room to store our stuff but our flight to Saudi was at 1am the following morning so we wouldn't be there long enough to unpack.  We received a hilarious briefing from the colonel who was holding index cards the entire time he spoke to us and he would begin each card by acting like he wasn't holding cards, "So...Matt...THEY tell me you're from Florida?"  

After the meet and greet with the higher ups and a few candid photos we went over to view the Stryker maintenance area.  The Stryker is an armoured transport vehicle for soldiers down range. So imagine if you will an auto body shop in your town.  Cars out front that have been in accidents, fender benders and what not.  Basically we were given a tour of the Strykers that had been wrecked in combat.  At first it was amazing to see the damage and see how these guys would replace something that seemed completely totaled.  But that feeling quickly shifted to a feeling of deep sadness when you looked at some of the damage and heard what had happened and then imagined what the soldiers went through inside when the bombs went off.  They kept saying it was ok to take pictures but I guess I just didn't feel good about it.  

The tour ended with them loading us into one of the Strykers and taking us for a spin on the lollipop crash course off road and then back on again we tried our best to hang on while standing through the turrets in the roof.  Our gunner Ross was a hilarious British dude who didn't miss a beat throwing out funny comments about our obvious lack of military knowledge. 

The show that night was an interesting mix of permanent party and R&R troops and airmen.  We drew straws and Lauren opened the show for the first time.  I followed and Johnny headlined.  The Camp is a massive venue.  The biggest stage we performed on.  Easily as big as an Super Bowl Hafltime stage it's difficult to fill the space and standing in one spot wasn't going to work.  I actually owe it to Johnny during this trip for encouraging me to take the mic out of the stand and wander.  It definitely has improved as the shows have gone on and between the show at the Camp and the one last night it was vital.  

The show last night was supposed to be at the sports lounge above the restaurant here at ESKAN Village in Saudi.  But sadly the bar had been closed and so the base suggested we do the show downstairs.  During dinner.  In the middle of the buffet line where people were getting salad, desserts and hey!  It was Mongolian BBQ Night!!!

We drew straws and I went first again.  Something about that short straw.  Lauren went second and Johnny went third.  The mic was set up so that we were standing next to the cashier behind the salad bar but in front of the drink station.  As I said taking the mic off was vital not to mention we would have crashed and burned had it not been for the wirelessness of the mic.  So we wandered.  And I mean seriously wandered.  

At one point the fire crew got a call and I followed them outside.  I came back in and saw three small kids playing on the ground so I joined them. (Thats right kids were allowed.)  I helped waiters run food, I opened up to the guy running the salad bar about my failed career as a broadcaster and when he explained that he didn't understand english and fled to the kitchen I followed him.  The show became a total extension of what was happening in the room in the truest sense.  Preplanned material worked but only after you got them with the crowd work.  It will truly be one to remember forever.  Top 5 easily.  

After the show we were invited to a few small gatherings at some of the permanent party villas.  Everyone was so friendly and appreciative of what we did.  It's sad to see it end.  

And so tonight we give our final performance.  I'm closing and Johnny and Lauren need to figure out who is going first and who is going second but regardless I'm not worried.  I feel very fortunate to have had this tour turn out the way it has on a professional and a personal level.  These two comedians are friends.  

I didn't know Lauren as well as I knew Johnny before this tour started but over the last few weeks she has proven to be a very necessary cog in our wheel.  I hope we will continue to do shows together in the future and be friends for longer than that.  

As for Johnny, I can't tell the short story of my career without him.  He gave me my first booked spot.  It was at that show where another comedian saw me perform and took me on the road for the first time.  After that tour I did my first television spot.  I truly believe that those are steps that shouldn't be overlooked and never underappreciated.  Johnny is one of those friends and he provided the hand to help me up onto that next step in my career.  It is great to be stronger friends than we were before and I hope to know him for a long time. Even if he is from Cleveland.  

I guess the last thought I wanted to convey as this trip ends has to do with the soldiers.  You are the reason we do this.  The sacrifice you make is greater than any other.  Our sometimes dimwitted politicians(lawyers) in DC make a decision to fight and you are the ones who pick up the torch.  When you have come to thank us after these shows it is awkward only in that you needn't thank us.  This is the bare minimum anyone should be doing in support of you and it is our greatest pleasure to serve you as you serve so many.  Our only regret is that this tour didn't include stops in places where you need us the most but we promise that the plan to return has already begun.  Thank you for all you do.  

"Land of the free because of the brave."

-Unknown