Perforated cheeses and other things I like...

College. Are they still the best years of your life?

2010-04-20T19:49:00.000-07:00

The end of the road is upon us!

I'd like to discuss NACA in this blog and selling out or in the words of my agent this past weekend, "Playing the game."

If you're not familiar with NACA or APCA allow me to give a brief summary of their purpose. NACA stands for The National Association of Campus Activities and APCA is the Association for the Promotion of Campus Activities. They are conferences held around the country where performers such as myself, as well as other vendors vie for bookings from college representatives. The two work a little different. In order to work NACA you must be selected and pay a submission fee. In order to work APCA you have to pay a submission fee but provided you book your spot early enough you can most likely obtain a spot to showcase.

I have never worked APCA but over the last 6 months or so I have showcased at several NACAs and that is kind of what I wanted to focus on. I showcased at NACA South, Central, Mid-America and Northern Plains. I don't know that everyone submits the same way but in my case I work with an agency in Burbank called H2F Productions. I have a 3min. video on a website called Sonicbids. A selection commitee for each region views the video and decides if I am worthy of a spot.

Many people feel it is an honor or a big deal to get a spot and I agree. They get thousands of submissions and I feel fortunate. However, after doing a few of them this year I want to talk about the experience and what I learned from it.

NACA Northern Plains took place last weekend in St. Paul, MN. I had a 15min showcase spot on Saturday afternoon. I followed a poet and a band of sorts known as Plastic Music. They basically do a percussion based performance where they bang plastic pipes against plastic tubes, tubs and kiddie pools. I don't think I have to tell you but obviously, they crushed it.

I was announced and I opened with about 5minutes of material on my USO trips. The audience seemed to enjoy everything and I moved from there into some discussion about drugs, drinking and ultimately sex. After my set I had a discussion with my agent where she voiced her concern that she thought I was a little too filthy and that some of my jokes covered topics that would likely reduce my bookings.

I asked what the problem was with discussing drinking, drugs and sex with college students and she explained that once you get the booking you are usually free to do whatever you want but when you're here you're in a marketplace where students are being shadowed by an advisor who in most cases would be hesitant to book any controversial act. She explained that you have to "play the game" to get booked.

And I guess thats where my issue arises. I used to work in production. On a daily basis I was instructed by censors, new directors and producers to do what I will refer to as, "writing for ratings." It made me sick and I quickly lost my passion for television production.

Now here I am, a comedian, working my ass off on the road to make ends meet and in front of a college crowd I am told to censor myself.

I think it's sad. Really I do. The interesting part is that out of all the regions I did this year, this was the one where I did the best. I didn't do great by any stretch of the imagination but I did improve.

Two other points I'd like to make, number one, I was happy with the set.

Number two, why should I care what a crowd of college kids thinks when their biggest applause breaks were reserved for musicians who did Disney covers?

I was really shocked by the response some artists were getting while other artists were denied even a spot in the show. I imagine the artists know this little fact that the kids want to relate and especially for musicians the best way to relate is to play covers. But if you're playing covers, then you're not being you and if you're not being you I think it becomes debatable if what you're doing can be called art. I guess it's art in the way art class in grade school sometimes involved drawing a turkey by tracing your hand. It's a classic, I can dig it, but it's not original.

Which brings up the next point. Why are college kids today devouring things that aren't original?

Let me stop here. I suppose you could say that in general college kids aren't doing that. That the reps from each school and their advisors are responsible but that most college kids are open to broader ideas. But I don't know. Being there and watching what these kids were responding to made me sad.

Also, being born with a great voice can not be categorized or filed under talent. I think thats more of a gift.

Now look, I love Disney tunes. I love cover songs as well.

Also, my agent said I called the students "kids" too much and it is kind of degrading. Well look if you're clapping your ass off for a guy that plays Disney covers and then you look dumbfounded when I do a joke about sex then guess what, you're not even a kid, you're a fucking child.

Btw, the dude who did the Disney stuff was actually very kind. He played well and I'm sure he has some great original stuff but unfortunately when given the opportunity to stretch his legs a little after warming the kids up with "Kiss the Girl" from the Little Mermaid he decided to burn my ear drums with an original entitled, "Taylor Swift." I shit you not. And the crowd LOOOOOOVED IT!!!

The theme of the conference was PEACE LOVE NACA and they reacted with the same indifference to drug jokes. Thousands of kids dressed up like little hippies acting like either they didn't agree with jokes about drugs or they were just too terrified to stand up and say yeah we've tried them and we do or do not like them.

I guess thats my thing ya know. Just take a stand. Have an opinion. For the most part they seemed like sheep and in this day and age which is just as important, if not more so, as the volitale days of the late 60s and early 70s, I think we need artists who are stretching the boundaries of contemporary thought and in turn audiences who appreciate a unique voice.

What we don't need are the bands influencing our college kids playing bad cover tunes. We don't need the future of our country to be soaked in the sound of Journey.

But at NACA you've got to play the game if you want to make the money.

I've decided that next time I'm just going to cover a whole set by Dane Cook. I'll let you know how it goes.

The Scene

2010-04-08T13:55:00.001-07:00

This is a blog about where I've traveled, the scenes I've seen and the people who have helped and sometimes hindered my attempts to tell jokes.

I know my good friend Sean Mantooth is gonna read this and then write a comment that will sound something like, "Oh heeeeey everybodyyyyy look at me, I'm Matt Baetz and I traveled places and I'm a big dumb stupid poopy face." First of all, yes, this would be a perfect example of someone in my circle of friends and influences and second, I'm doing it to illustrate a point.

Feel free to use this as a table of contents...I know there is alot here but I guess this will most likely end up being a blog for comedians like myself who seem to devour everything comedy related that we can find online and if it helps people out then great.

Denver, CO - Nov. 4th - Jan 9th

AFE Tour - Jan 10th - 29th

Topeka, KS - Feb. 26, 27th

Kansas City, KS - March 5th

Los Angeles, CA - March 8th

Baltimore, MD - March 14th

Shreveport, LA - March 24th, 25th

Atlanta, GA - March 26th - 30th

Chicago, IL - April 4th - 8th

There are numerous places around the world where someone can learn the art of standup comedy. The general consensus is that if you want to turn that passion into a career you HAVE to eventually live in either New York or LA. But what I've learned since April 28th, 2009, which was the day I left LA, is that there are many great places in this country and the world that support standup comedy and provide a good base of operations to learn. And this is what I thought about all of them.

For the past five years I lived in LA. I learned standup in Los Angeles but then I felt like in order to really become the comedian I always wanted to be, I had to learn "the road." And no offense to the numerous comedians who consider the road to be, flying for a week at the Improv in San Jose followed by few days at home and then a flight to the Improv in Dallas, but "the road" I am referring to is the actual road.

The gas stations and traffic jams. The hotels and motels. Sleeping in your car and camping when necessary. Having a woman in Birmingham interrupt your show to tell you in front of 500 people that, "you ain't worth a shit." Driving 7hrs to Boston to perform at 2pm on a Sunday next to a buffet line.

To be honest, when I meet a comedian who jumped right from seven minute sets in LA and NY to headlining clubs across the country, part of me feels sorry for them. There is something amazing about the struggle. It's painful and sad and lonely and your back hurts from 12 hr drives and you spend days wondering if you should have kept your well paying job but I wouldn't have it any other way.

The first scene I really got a taste of was Denver.

For years the HBO comedy Festival in Aspen was the granddaddy of them all as far as festivals were concerned. I imagine it had something to do with the remoteness and the mystique of Colorado itself. They say many people come to visit and never leave and I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel that pull.

The rooms I frequented were as follows: Comedy Works downtown and the Tech Center, The Squire Lounge, Wits End, Los Comicos, Casselman's, Old Chicago as well as several of the other Agitated Production Rooms, The Jet Hotel, Paris on the Platte and a few others.

In my opinion Denver is a better town for standup comedy than Los Angeles. It isn't quite New York City but the amount of talent that is bubbling under the surface in Denver is at first shocking and then comforting. I remember opening some of my sets there by explaining that I wasn't use to people being that nice and then asking what's the catch? Nobody is that friendly. And the truth is they just appreciate the art form more than do the majority of people I know in LA who are doing standup as a way to get a show or a movie or they do it on the side along with their sketch group or their improv troupe.

If you are a person interested in working the road as a comedian or maybe you just want to try a new city with a lot to offer as well as a promising scene then Denver is a great choice.

KANSAS

From Denver I traveled through Kansas. I did a few shows in Topeka followed by a guest spot at Standford and Sons in Kansas City, MO. Which is another great room but unfortunately I am in that area right now where I am good enough to feature but not quite good enough nor am I enough of a draw to headline certain rooms around the country. I think at this point Standford's is one of those rooms where I am close but with so much great feature leavel talent they rarely book features from out of town.

LAST COMIC STANDING

This was a great experience in that I thought I shouldn't travel all the way from Arkansas to LA for a 2minute audition and after doing it, I know that I never need to do it again. Last Comic Standing does for comedy what American Idol does for music. Nothing. It's a great show for people who don't have a fucking clue as to what good comedy or music is. Also, I'm bitter. My favorite part was doing a college show in Kansas, driving 5 hrs in the middle of the night to Arkansas, flying to LA, doing 2min of standup in front of Greg Giraldo, Natasha Leggero and surprisingly Andy Kindler who I thought was centering most of his act these days on the shittiness that is Last Comic Standing, and then flying back to Arkansas to bomb as host a Battle of the Bands at Univ. of Ark Ft. Smith. When Greg, Natasha and Andy gave me notes I kind of felt like saying, "Thats ok I'm not interested in your notes. You can just say no." After the audition as I was leaving I was stopped by an associate producer and we had this exchange,

"So you got through right?"

"No."

"Oh ok, well that's cool, it doesn't matter. So listen we're going to have you walk through this curtain and can you just act like you're really upset, maybe throw your hands in the air or pull your hair out?" (I'm bald by the way.)

"No, I'm not gonna do that."

It's moments like these that solidify my feelings about the road as well as Los Angeles. It's fake. It's sad. And too many people are ok with it.

BALTIMORE, MD

Home. I'm from here. I lived in MD for the first 17 years of my life. I went to high school in Towson and I'm shocked at how difficult it has been to get stage time in my hometown.

I should pause here and say that one person has been extremely helpful. T. Brad Hudson. If you are ever in Baltimore or Timonium to be more precise do yourself a favor and check out his room on Sunday nights at Hightopps on York Rd. T. Brad pays a feature and a headliner to perform as well as he offers the first 5 or 6 spots to regulars and first timers. It's the closest thing Maryland has to an actual comedy scene. As for the Comedy Factory downtown and Magooby's on Harford Rd I couldn't say but hopefully at some point I'll work those rooms as well.

After performing at Hightopps on March 14th I headlined at the University of Delaware in Newark. This was a great show for several reasons. Nice crowd, good stage, family in attendance, sold a few cds. It was a good time

SAGINAW, MI

I flew from Philly to Chicago where I picked up my car and continued the drive. On March 18th I played Flanigans in Saginaw, MI. It was the first day of the NCAA tournament not to mention the day after St. Patty's Day. Which means everyone was watching basketball and if they weren;t they were at home hungover. They couldn't plug in my guitar. There wasn't a host or an opener. Pretty much it was me at one end of a long room and a giant screen tv at the other end. There were maybe 30 people in the crowd and the four tables up front were empty except for one. The show went fine. I had a nice exchange with a heckler.

Valparaiso University

The following day I did a show at Valparaiso Univ. in Indiana. Once again I performed during the NCAA games but at least this time the TV was behind me instead of in front of me. It gave the illusion people were watching. The one thing I do remember is this one student who was sitting directly to my left. He was socially awkward and he just struck me as the kid most likely to go on a shooting spree.

NASHVILLE, TN

Like Denver, Nashville has a built in comedy scene. My only experience with Nashville unfortunately has to do with Zanies. Last April when I left LA I drove my brother from Tucson to Nashville for his new job at Vanderbilt Univ. Before arriving I contacted the manager there, a guy named Ron and asked for a guest spot. Never heard back. I called again. Never heard back. Finally when I got into town I called and said, "I realize its probably too late to get a guest spot but since I am within walking distance and I just drove from LA to get here, can I drop off my press materials?" He really couldn't have been more rude. He said, "No, Im not gonna watch it, I have enough people here trying to Emcee and feature." I said, "I understand but I'm just trying to get myself out there and hustle and..." He started laughing at me. He said, "Fine, you can have a spot tomorrow night." Again, from the perspective of a comedian trying their hardest to book spots and get in where you can while you can it's really disheartening to run into bookers like this. I've been back to Nashville twice since that first time and I haven't tried to go back again. I know that I need to and I will but this is a classic example of allowing someone else in this business to sidetrack you. Considering I have family and therefore a place to stay in that town this lack of effort there is sort of inexcusable. I consider that to be an instance, regardless of how I may have been treated, where I dropped the ball.

SHREVEPORT, LA

Centenary College of Louisiana called just a few weeks before this show and offered me the spot. I drove 9 and a half hours from Nashville, took a nap and the took the stage. It was awesome. Best college show yet I feel. The Student Activities peeps there were just plain southern hospitable. Even took the big guy to Chili's afterwards for some boneless wings.

Sadly my second day in Shreveport was not nearly as cool. About two weeks before my show at Centenary I called the booker of the Funny Bone in Shreveport. I asked if I might be able to do a guest spot while I was in town. A few days before I arrived I called the club to confim, left a message, never heard back, called again, never heard back, called again and they told me they didn't have me down to do a set. So I called and emailed the booker. Eventually he wrote back and said that I was good to go! So I stayed in Shreveport got another hotel and even went by the club early to confirm. Then when I got to the club that night I introduced myself to the manager who I was told to check in with and he said it wasn't a sure thing yet. That it was up to the headliner, a dude named Dee-Ray who apparently was pretty important although I've never heard of him. The show was about to start and still no one had walked up to me to tell me if I was good to go or not and then Gene Renfroe the feature came over and said, "Sorry man, it doesn't look like it's going to happen." I said that's ok. Which it's not. It's also not ok to only hear that bad news from the feature. Several times as I watched the show the floor manager and the club manager walked by and neither of them said anything. I never heard from the booker and frankly I don't care. I'll say this here and let it be known forever, I really enjoyed the city of Shreveport but I won't lose any sleep over not playing the Shreveport Funny Bone.

ATLANTA, GA

My time in Shreveport wasn't a total waste. I spent most of the day before the Funny Bone debacle calling friends in Atlanta to see if I could perform there. I did 4 sets in Atlanta. 2 at the Laughing Skull inside the Vortex. 1 at the Comedy Gold show at the Landmark Diner and a 4th at Tavern 99 on Sunday night. I love Atlanta. The people there couldn't have been more kind. Marshall Chiles books the Laughing Skull and he was kind enough to give me stage time on an already packed show. Ryan Stout was headlining and the two shows there were a lot of fun. My brother came to the shows there. Actually he came to the two there as well as the one at the Landmark and it was a unique opportunity to expose a family member to an evening in the life of a struggling comedian. One show at 8pm. One at 9pm. One at 1030 back at the first venue. Afterwards we got McDonalds at 1am. It was a definite highlight.

The Laughing Skull itself is a great room. The stage is the perfect size, the audience has plenty of room, there is access to The Vortex but it's also completely seperate so that when people are in the showroom they are there for comedy and not just peeking in.

The Landmark Diner show was nice as well. Gilbert Lawand runs that show and it is another great option for comedians who live there as well as those who are passing through. The crowd that night was primarily high school students because although it is in a barroom it is consider to be part of the diner. I'll say this, high school kids frighten me more than any other crowd. They just are at an age where they know everything and nothing is funny and everything is uncool and frankly I just think we should lock them up for those years and spray them with fire hoses until they stop acting like angst-ridden drama queens.

Tavern 99. What some people might refer to as an urban room. It's a term I've heard a few times from different people recently implying that there is a large number of black people in attendance. Even in Shreveport the feature asked me if I liked playing black rooms. To be honest I don't care as long as people give you a chance to tell at least one joke and as long as they listen. Sadly, audiences not listening is a problem in a lot of rooms regardless of race. We live in a world where an attention span need not be longer than 30 seconds. And sadly that can hurt in a comedy room. The good news is I hit them and hit them early. I guess you could say that I survived but I really didn't think it was any different than any other room. Black or white doesn't matter, there are always a few tablesof loud mouthed people who think they're more funny than the comedians and I love those people because they make us look good.

If you ever have the chance to perform in Atlanta those are definitely three rooms I would check out.

On my last day in Atlanta I received a call from the booker of Snickerz in Ft. Wayne, IN. She said they had a drop out and would I like to perform. And so I gave my nephews a high five and headed out for Nashville. I spent the night with my other brother's family and then the next day drove to Ft. Wayne.

The shows there were great. I made my first appearance on Late Shift with Kevin Ferguson and I was opening for Karen Mills out of Chattanoga, TN. She was unbelievable to work with and I hope we'll get to do it again sometime.

Before I left Ft. Wayne I began contacting people in Chicago which is where I am now.

CHICAGO, IL

Tomorrow I leave for Detroit but I've spent the last week here. I was raised Catholic but I was also taught to hate Notre Dame for some reason. But last Sunday, Easter Sunday to be precise, I left Ft. Wayne and headed for my friend Jen's house in Chicago. On the way I saw signs for Notre Dame/ South Bend and I decided I should check out what all the fuss is about. It is a beautiful place. So I marched right into the admissions building and said, I want to play football for the Irish. They said no.

Monday night I performed at Zanies downtown. Bert Haas books the show and he had a drop out so I did a six minute set. It went well. He seemed to enjoy it. If you're intested in working those rooms I would suggest getting an email out to him well before you arrive because he seems to have a pretty long list to go through.

On Tuesday I performed at The Chicago Underground Comedy Show courtesy of my friends Brooke Van Poppelen, Tony Sam and Lauren Ashley Bishop. Dan Telfer runs the show and it was an outstanding lineup. Chicago is not only geographically in the middle but I get that vibe from the city as well. New York it is not but thats ok, it has no interest in being like that. This is the city that represents the middle of America. No offense Dallas. The comedians represent that as well. Like Denver, Chicago comedians seem to have a great respect for their craft. There are no easy laughs. They'll make you work a little bit more. Chicago is the city in this country that is most synonymous with comedy. The best comedians might eventually go to NY or LA but it seems like large majority grew up referring to Chicago as the big city. There were several great comedians on the show Prescott Tolk, Adam Burke, Cameron Esposito, Chad Briggs and several others.

Last night I went to Timothy O'Tooles on for the Comedians You Should Know Show. Danny Kallas runs it and they have a great regular cast of comedians. It's booked ahead of time so I didn't get a chance to get up this time but again if you're heading through Chi-town I highly recommend it.

Coles Bar also has a great open mic on Wednesday nights. The show starts at 9pm and goes till 2am. I think there were 40 comedians last night but it goes by pretty fast and the two hosts Adam and Cameron were very cool to veterans and newcomers alike.

Tonight I'm going to Chicago Joe's for the RIOT Comedy Show. Once again this week I am kind of a last minute fill in and on some level I can tell people are a little guarded about letting new people just waltz in and take stage time from the locals but I try to explain that at this point I'm not local to anywhere.

I know I mentioned this to some people but the road is ending for a time. I'm moving to New York in June. I love me some humidity!

The road is a goddamn impossible way of life said Robbie Robertson. But a necessary one I think.

Thanks for reading

-Matt

Coming Up:

Wyandotte, MI

Connxtions Toledo, OH

Funny Bone Showcase - Columbus, OH

Albion College

NACA Northern Plains

Move to New York

The Comedy Database

2010-03-22T19:36:00.000-07:00

We need a database.

A few weeks back a friend of mine was telling me all about how relieved she was to hear from her doctor that her two year old son was not suffering from a certain syndrome that effects many toddlers.

Without really thinking I just said, "Yes but sadly he is racist." I then began writing a bit about racist babies. A funny concept I think. It's pretty obvious that racism is something certain children learn from exposure but I thought the idea of having a racist baby was funny and not only that but the idea that you might be able to tell it was going to be racist in much the same way that you can tell if a baby will be a boy or a girl. Through an ultrasound of sorts.

I think this idea is a great example of a joke that many people could have come up with and I suppose that's my concern. It feels like something that I've heard before but because of the various jokes, sketches, improv shows, comedy songs, etc. that are running around in my memory I honestly can't remember.

I began to wonder why isn't there a comedy database? Why isn't there someplace I can check so I don't accidentally steal something thats been done?

The obvious reasons include comedians are lazy, comedy material isn't as sacred as music, comedians are lazy, the task of compiling all that material is a massive one and finally, comedians are lazy.

But I think we need it. A few years ago when Joe Rogan confronted Carlos Mencia at The Comedy Store it started a brief discussion about stealing with regard to comedy material. After that Dane Cook was accused of stealing from Louis CK. It was gratifying to go online and watch clips of Bill Cosby followed by clips of Carlos Mencia doing practically the same exact bit about athletes learning everything they know from their fathers but then thanking their mothers after winning the big game.

I'm not writing this to say one person was wrong or right but it seems like as comedians we could take control of this.

If each comedian were to input their material into a database. They could label it by date, topic, venue, set length, lineup spot etc...

I know I speak for a lot of comedians when I say that sometimes I just don't know if something I've come up with is a rip off. I honestly haven't stolen anything. I think in my worst moments on stage starting out I may have lifted a line from someone famous to get out of a jam with a heckler and I can promise you when it happened it's all I thought about until I got on stage again.

I just think there is a way to bring some balance to our industry. We may never be able to do anything about it legally speaking but I for one would like to know that my material is protected and if by chance I've stepped on someone elses toes then I'd love to know for sure so I can move on to writing new material.

Here is a clip of Eddie Gossling doing a bit about racist babies. On a google search of racist baby comedy this was the 7th listing.

http://effinfunny.com/eddie-gossling/beat-box-baby

Personally, I think he touches on the same idea but I feel what I've come up with is slightly different. It also makes me wonder what is the definition of stealing? I mean, I thought of the concept on my own. I wrote about it. Then I googled it to see what other people had about it and I found Eddie's clip where he is really discussing beat boxing more or less and not so much the origin of racism. What are the rules as far as material goes?

I'd love to hear thoughts about this so feel free to write back.

UM Spring Tour 2010

2010-03-21T17:15:00.000-07:00

UM stands for Uncle Matty. Which is what my niece refers to me as.

For anyone who accidentally read this hoping to hear my thoughts on Umphrey's McGee or the Universities Maryland, Michigan, Mississippi, Maine, Missouri or Michigan please disregard. I'll only say this, Fear the Turtle.

I was in Nashville today when Maryland fell to Michigan State. From what I hear it was a great game but unfortunately we were being bored to death by the Ohio State blowout victory which brings up my focus for this blog.

I understand the CBS brass airing certain games in certain areas because of the fans. When I was in Kansas a few weeks ago they were airing Kansas vs. Mizzou. The problem was this. It was 5minutes into the game. The score was something like 15-10. Meanwhile on another channel Villanova was choking away a double digit halftime lead against West Virginia. That game was in overtime but it didn't matter. I was sitting in a sea of blue listening to people talk about a game that at that point in the season had little to no impact on either teams future.

Last year I sat, against my better judgement, with friends from UNC during their blowout win over Gonzaga. They were cruising to a 20 point lead and meanwhile Michgan State was going down to the wire against Kansas. The same thing happened a few nights later when UNC was blowing out Michigan State in the championship. I sat there, bored to tears, watching Tar Heel fans "enjoy" their title. Obviously, changing to a better game isn't possible the night of the championship what with it being the only game available but very few fans would rank a blowouts in their list of favorite games. It's arrogant.

Just ask any 49er fan what their favorite Super Bowl memory is. I guarantee it will include Dwight Clark or John Taylor and their blowout win over the Broncos won't even be a possibility.

My point is this, I love Maryland basketball but if they were ahead by twenty I would be the first person to say, "change the channel there is a better game on."

This doesn't make me any less of a Maryland fan. If anything it makes me a bigger basketball fan. I want to see the best game possible. And today we were denied that. A few weeks ago in Lawrence I was denied that.

With the score 25-20 in favor of Kansas, Jim Nance threw to Greg Gumbel in NY and they replayed the last shot from the Nova/ WVU game. Apparently some Rawk Chalk Jawhawk fan nearby could tell I was unhappy and offered this explanation, "This is Jayhawk Country."

Baldwin City, KS

2010-03-06T15:53:00.000-08:00

"The grass ain't greener, the wine ain't sweeter either side of the hill!"

5:53pm

Baldwin City, KS

Tonight I'm performing at Baker University in Baldwin City, KS. It's a small school of about 2000 total students at like 4 different campuses. It was founded by Methodist ministers years and years ago and it's the oldest university in Kansas.

"Wow, Matt tell us more!"

We're about 3 hours till showtime and I've spent most of the day in a BBQ joint on the main drag, "downtown." The school provided a hotel room last night because tonight I am doing the show and then driving to Joplin, MO then to Ft. Smith, AR tomorrow for a flight to LA for Last Comic Standing Auditions on Monday. The bummer is because I was in the hotel last night this morning I had to check out at 11am. I went to the library till noon. Since 12 I have been in this BBQ joint. I watched FSU beat Miami, MD beat VA, Nova drop a tough one to WVA, Kansas beat Mizzou and Louisville won their final game at their old arena against #1 Syracuse.

I've spent the day writing PG jokes for the students of Baker because apparently this school is sort of religious and the students need Parental Guidance. I thought college was the time when we started guiding ourselves but what the hell do I know?

I drove over from Lawrence yesterday after spending five days there. To be perfectly honest I'm kind of over the whole Kansas thing. I don't really understand the appeal. I mean, somebody sell me on it. Go! ... I thought so.

The midwest. Go! I don't get it. Oceans? No. Mountains? No. And you know the weird thing. I don't even really need oceans and mountains. Skyscapers? No. Crime? No. Pollution? No.

I need me some city! And no Kansas City doesn't count. I love the mess. I love the chaos. I'm too poor to sit still in a place like this while people mix it up elsewhere.

Don't get me wrong everybody is really nice. The food is good. But that's it.

I got in yesterday and had the chance to walk around downtown... 97 times.

So I'm moving to NY.

I came to this decision the other day after a show in Topeka. I was headlining at Bullfrogs Live. Nice enough place. Good people. Nice crowds. Very kind. But here is the difference. They like a show, they like to be involved but too many people wanted to derail the show by talking. And trust me, where some comedians just plow through it I like to address it. Involve them. And I realize that this in many cases just instigates the crowd. I was close to ejecting someone and then I realized that really the blame lay on me for pushing it.

The problem though is that most comedians who value what it is we do put alot of effort into their set. Their jokes are important to them. And when people talk through a setup, catch the punch and then stare like it's my fault, I just find that really irritating.

And for some reason people think comedy is this art form where audience participation at inappropriate moments is okay. And it's not. If you're paying to see a comedian and then you talk, why go in the first place? I think it's because laughter is such a hot commodity in our lives.

Making people laugh is dope. It's a high. There isn't anything in life that is on the same playing field. What's the best medicine? Laughter. And people in crowds get excited. They want to add to the show to be a part of it. But somewhere this conflicts with a comedians desire to have people appreciate what we've worked so hard on.

I wish more bookers appreciated the idea of doing shows that are more thought provoking. I spoke to a booker the other day who said he wasn't interested in hiring me because my laughs per minute weren't high enough. I said that's fine and offered to send a 45min from my USO Tour show. He said that wasn't the same as a club crowd that it's easy to make soldiers laugh because they are so starved for entertainment. Frankly I disagree and I also feel like if in order to play certain clubs I need to be some fucking hack with shitty one liner dick jokes then I may never make it on stage in some of those clubs. I'm happy with my LsPM.

I love doing crowd work. I feel like I'm slowly getting better at it and I wouldn't want to do a show without it but when it comes to dealing with a room full of people yelling out and not adding anything to the show it becomes frustrating.

There are many reasons for this decision to move to NY but here are a few...

1. Great place to do a lot of stand up.

2. Close to home.

3. Fellow comedians who impress me.

4. Audiences that will appreciate new ideas and performers who take risks.

5. Home to the comedy shows that impress me, intimidate me and make me want to work towards being a great writer.(i.e. The Daily Show, Colbert, SNL, 30 Rock, Letterman & what the hell Jimmy Fallon(Give him time he'll awwight.) Not to mention The New Yorker magazine.

6. It's NY and I can wear my O's hat and eventually one day we'll beat them and win the World Series.

7. The Red Sox suck.

8. Toronto and Tampa are fine places but they don't meet any of the above criteria.

Those are my thoughts and they are always disputed.

-Bored in Baker

Matt

Land of the free, because of the brave.

2010-01-28T06:33:00.000-08:00

Dear Reader,

Today is the final day of our tour. Tonight we will be performing for the 11th time on this trip.

3 comedians performing 11 shows in 20 days in 5 countries on 2 different continents.

This is a really important day in the history of the military in our country. Last night President Obama presented his first State of the Union address where he discussed important issues facing our country and in particular our military. It's interesting being a comedian on a military installation the day after a speech like that.

I mean, it's our responsibility as comedians, and as the great Bill Hicks once said, to "as the consensus is forming to say, wait a minute..." And here we are on a base, one show to go, with an opportunity to discuss these really important issues with a very unique audience.

I'm sure there are a slew of comedians and late night talk show hosts salivating at the discussion of "don't ask, don't tell." I'm sure they are equally interested in discussing all of the other points the President discussed from the surge in Afghanistan to the state of our weakened economy. And yet here we are with the ability to not only write about these things but get a direct response from those most directly effected by them.

Before we leave on these trips we're given a list of topics, issues, words, ideas etc. that we are supposedly not allowed to say or discuss. Things like don't use any foul language, don't discuss religion or politics, don't discuss the base, don't discuss whatever host country you are in. In a sense, don't do standup comedy. However, once you take the stage and simply read this list of things you are not allowed say outloud to the troops, once the laughter has subsided you realize that they are people just like the rest of us who are truly most pleased when you discuss the elephant instead of avoiding it.

I tell you what I am sick of, The goddamn Australian Open. Are there really that many tennis fans out there? I mean golf I get. You grab a cart. You get some beers. Even the elitist attitude I witnessed for years working at the shittiest of channels known as The Golf Channel I could understand what was enjoyable about the nature aspect. But for christ's sake what the hell is so appealing about watching tennis? Maybe its just because every DFAC from Timbuktu to Portland, ME or Portland OR for that matter has had the tennis on and frankly I'm ready for the WNBA. I THINK I COULD LEARN TO LOVE THIS GAME!

Note #2. Thanks to everyone reading. Seriously, it's really very cool that people will email me and ask when the next one is coming. There was one comment on my last one from somebody who didn't dig this and all I can say is, you don't have to read it. This is not required reading.

So tonight is the end. The final hoorah. The last shabang. One more cup of coffee for I'll go as Bobby Zimmerman would say.

I realize our last update came from the airport in Dubai on our way to Qatar and quite a bit has happened since then but in the interest of keeping this thing as short as possible I'll just run through a few of the highlights.

First of all I just want to say thanks again to all of our fabulous escorts at each base. Jeff, Tina, Sgt.Mez at MANAS, Capt. Amber Ortiz in the UAE as well as Camillo and the man the myth the legend Buz Buzolich in Dubai. To Raul, Melvin and the rest of the boys in Djibouti sorry again for losing my base pass. The idea that I lost it was only worsened by the thought that an endangered cheetah may have swallowed it. To one of my dearest friends Whitney Oliver, you are always a highlight on these trips and I hope to see you again in Qatar one day soon. To Sgt Ratley and Key at the Camp I know we were only with you guys for less than a day but it was a packed day and an awesome show. Also, Sgt. Jenkins for doing a more than capable job stepping into the shoes of the Great Tony Randall. We appreciate it! And finally here in Saudi. To the guys who showed up at the airport at 3am because the AFE continues to struggle with itineraries, Cliff and Dong, you guys are always a welcome site to see when a tour comes to an end.

The shows in Qatar were sold out, standing room only. After closing the final show in Djibouti I opened the first show in Qatar followed by Lauren and then Johnny. The second show was again opened by me and then Johnny followed and Lauren headlined. Overall I think they were all a huge success. I spent the first 10 minutes of the second shows explaining to the crowd why I was rooting for the Jets and why if they had any sense of conscience they would as well. Unfortunately we then watched with everyone as Peyton Manning led the Colts to a come from behind victory. God I hate that team. Go Saints! WHO DAT!?

Anyway, it's surreal watching sports at 130am but if its on and it's the nfl you gotta watch I think.

Our second destination in Qatar, Camp As Sayliyah was just a quick stop. We were transferred, given a room to store our stuff but our flight to Saudi was at 1am the following morning so we wouldn't be there long enough to unpack. We received a hilarious briefing from the colonel who was holding index cards the entire time he spoke to us and he would begin each card by acting like he wasn't holding cards, "So...Matt...THEY tell me you're from Florida?"

After the meet and greet with the higher ups and a few candid photos we went over to view the Stryker maintenance area. The Stryker is an armoured transport vehicle for soldiers down range. So imagine if you will an auto body shop in your town. Cars out front that have been in accidents, fender benders and what not. Basically we were given a tour of the Strykers that had been wrecked in combat. At first it was amazing to see the damage and see how these guys would replace something that seemed completely totaled. But that feeling quickly shifted to a feeling of deep sadness when you looked at some of the damage and heard what had happened and then imagined what the soldiers went through inside when the bombs went off. They kept saying it was ok to take pictures but I guess I just didn't feel good about it.

The tour ended with them loading us into one of the Strykers and taking us for a spin on the lollipop crash course off road and then back on again we tried our best to hang on while standing through the turrets in the roof. Our gunner Ross was a hilarious British dude who didn't miss a beat throwing out funny comments about our obvious lack of military knowledge.

The show that night was an interesting mix of permanent party and R&R troops and airmen. We drew straws and Lauren opened the show for the first time. I followed and Johnny headlined. The Camp is a massive venue. The biggest stage we performed on. Easily as big as an Super Bowl Hafltime stage it's difficult to fill the space and standing in one spot wasn't going to work. I actually owe it to Johnny during this trip for encouraging me to take the mic out of the stand and wander. It definitely has improved as the shows have gone on and between the show at the Camp and the one last night it was vital.

The show last night was supposed to be at the sports lounge above the restaurant here at ESKAN Village in Saudi. But sadly the bar had been closed and so the base suggested we do the show downstairs. During dinner. In the middle of the buffet line where people were getting salad, desserts and hey! It was Mongolian BBQ Night!!!

We drew straws and I went first again. Something about that short straw. Lauren went second and Johnny went third. The mic was set up so that we were standing next to the cashier behind the salad bar but in front of the drink station. As I said taking the mic off was vital not to mention we would have crashed and burned had it not been for the wirelessness of the mic. So we wandered. And I mean seriously wandered.

At one point the fire crew got a call and I followed them outside. I came back in and saw three small kids playing on the ground so I joined them. (Thats right kids were allowed.) I helped waiters run food, I opened up to the guy running the salad bar about my failed career as a broadcaster and when he explained that he didn't understand english and fled to the kitchen I followed him. The show became a total extension of what was happening in the room in the truest sense. Preplanned material worked but only after you got them with the crowd work. It will truly be one to remember forever. Top 5 easily.

After the show we were invited to a few small gatherings at some of the permanent party villas. Everyone was so friendly and appreciative of what we did. It's sad to see it end.

And so tonight we give our final performance. I'm closing and Johnny and Lauren need to figure out who is going first and who is going second but regardless I'm not worried. I feel very fortunate to have had this tour turn out the way it has on a professional and a personal level. These two comedians are friends.

I didn't know Lauren as well as I knew Johnny before this tour started but over the last few weeks she has proven to be a very necessary cog in our wheel. I hope we will continue to do shows together in the future and be friends for longer than that.

As for Johnny, I can't tell the short story of my career without him. He gave me my first booked spot. It was at that show where another comedian saw me perform and took me on the road for the first time. After that tour I did my first television spot. I truly believe that those are steps that shouldn't be overlooked and never underappreciated. Johnny is one of those friends and he provided the hand to help me up onto that next step in my career. It is great to be stronger friends than we were before and I hope to know him for a long time. Even if he is from Cleveland.

I guess the last thought I wanted to convey as this trip ends has to do with the soldiers. You are the reason we do this. The sacrifice you make is greater than any other. Our sometimes dimwitted politicians(lawyers) in DC make a decision to fight and you are the ones who pick up the torch. When you have come to thank us after these shows it is awkward only in that you needn't thank us. This is the bare minimum anyone should be doing in support of you and it is our greatest pleasure to serve you as you serve so many. Our only regret is that this tour didn't include stops in places where you need us the most but we promise that the plan to return has already begun. Thank you for all you do.

"Land of the free because of the brave."

-Unknown

3:13am Dubai Airport

2010-01-22T16:13:00.000-08:00

I have this problem where I treat any foreign currency as monopoly money. For example, it's currently 3:13 in the am here in Dubya and we decided on yet another little cafe to have some snacks and drinks while we wait for our 5:55am flight to Doha, Qatar. The waiter handed me the menu and I just start ordering things like some type of guy who thinks foreign currency is monopoly money for lack of a better analogy.

I realize my posts have been a tad sporatic. To be honest this trip has truly had an identity all to its own. I can't quite put my finger on it.

The shows have been fantastic. After the show in Al Dhafra we decided to draw straws to determine the lineup. It went from me opening the show to Lauren as the feature and then Johnny closing it out. But like most things its good to force yourself out of the comfort zone and so we were all drunk and decided to start cutting up straws and so the first show in Djibouti featured a Matt-> Johnny-> Lauren lineup. Then last night we drew a Johnny-> Lauren-> Matt lineup. Tomorrow in Qatar we drew the traditional lineup of Matt-> Lauren-> Johnny. The idea is that depending on your spot it obviously can influence what you say, how you say it and how you either set up the person before or after you. It's been a great exercise.

Personally, going last last night was good for me. It's challenging to be on a bill with two such accomplished comedians and to recognize that and push yourself to turn in a performance worthy of the final spot. I was fortunate that we had several great things happen yesterday not to mention the past few days that really helped my material.

I guess the first thing I would mention is that in Dubai and Djibouti we were displaced from our original lodging and for some reason when the U.S. military displaces you it tends to be a good thing, unless of course you're Native American.

In Dubai we stayed in the Ramada Al Jaweeda. Good times. In Djibouti we spent one night in the CLUs(Contained Living Unit) which are basically large Cones boxes before the military saying sorry and moving us to the Kempinski Hotel. Google it. Go ahead. I'll wait. See. I told you.

So on the one hand we really haven't been roughing it. But on the other hand we haven't had our luggage for 7 days. Finally today we got a human being on the phone at Turkish Airlines and they went from telling us that the case was closed to saying,

"Oh Shit bro, they're totally right here. My bad bro-ham." So then we asked them to send the bags to Doha where we're going next and they said,

"Oh...no can do. Our policy is for you to come get them."

"But we're in Africa?"

"Oh no way?! Really? How is that place?"

"Sir, can we focus?"

"Right. Well we can mail them to one address."

"Thats fine."

"Where should we send them?"

"Los Angeles."

"Is that in Africa?"

To be honest the trip has taught us that number one, checking bags is completely unnecessary and number two it is pretty much the equivalent of loading a bag with all your favorite clothes and lighting the bag on fire.

As far as Africa goes. I will say this. Yesterday I got to pet a cheetah. Yeah. A cheetah. Not just a cheetah but also an ostrich, a zebra and an oracks which is like a big multi-colored deer. We went to this giant cheetah refuge where we were allowed inside this fenced in area. I'm trying to think of the best way to describe it and I would say its like being in a narrow hallway except the walls are made of chicken wire, no ceiling and there are cheetahs on the other side. And someone said we could pet the cheetahs and we were all like, "sounds good." It's amazing how willing we are to do something so totally dangerous and insane. At any moment the cheetah could have literally ripped our faces off but it was explained to us that the cheetah will truly only hunt animals their size or smaller and they don't really slash and tear. They are much more likely to bite your neck and suffocate you. Drowned by a cheetah.

It was yet another example of a different type of humanitarian work the Armed Forced are doing overseas and I know that sounds like a paradox. How could we be doing anything for humanity with a gun slung over our backs but if you drove where we did in Djibouti and Kyrgystan and saw the way that the majority of these people are forced to live by greedy tyrannical governments it really does make you wonder what our responsibility is to the world. To see a6 year old Kyrgyz girl standing in the cold as we boarded our bus and then to see a girl of the same age in Djibouti standing in garbage asking for money... it is extremely startling.

The scenery at the cheetah refuge was maginficent. It felt like and looked like the African grasslands you see in movies and on tv. We were there for the sunset and it was a complete moment of happiness.

There was a really interesting moment as well when we were standing on one side of the hyena enclosure and on the other side was a grade school field trip. And we were staring at these kids and they were staring back at us and the Hyenas were like, "HELLOOOOOO??? Um...we're the attraction here!" But as much as it was shocking to see the animals it was equally as shocking for those kids to see us and for us to see these kids again, like the school in Kyrgystan. The dress, the attitude, the type of living situations they were in were obviously what they were use to but again you can't help but feel really fortunate to have been born in the United States.

As crazy and messed up as our country is at times we are doing ok but more importantly we're in a place where we could be doing so much better, evolving quicker and not to mention impacting and assisting the world around us in a more productive way. It is truly a shame that so many people go hungry in these countries or lack basic necessities and meanwhile we are forced to or maybe we choose to concentrate on dealing with the violence.

Btw, its almost 5am so this may seem a little heavy. But if you want light fare then go turn on Jersey Shore or American Idol. I'm not interested in peddaling bullshit like that anyway.

Off to Qatar...

Kyrgystan-> Istanbul...

2010-01-22T16:03:00.000-08:00

Wed. January 20th 2010.

0745am Camp Lemonier Djibouti, Africa

75 degrees. HUMID. Hot. Sticky. Wet.

"The night was hot and wet. The night was wet and hot. It was humid. Just say humid."

We are officially half way through the trip. On January 29th we'll be returning home from this little excursion. To all of you reading we appreciate it.

The one thing we all keep saying is how incredible it is that telling jokes has provided us the good fortune to be able to experience a journey like this. In 10 days Johnny and LA Bishop will go back to LA and I will be off to London for a week of snow, bangers and mash and just all around good times with my sister but I can say for certain that we will be sad to see this trip end.

After that I'm off to LA. On Feb 10th I'll be taping(Airdate TBD) my 4th appearance on The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson and on Friday Feb. 12th I will be on the Playboy Radio Morning Show.

Visiting the Late Late Show is a milestone. A benchmark if you will. It is a place that has incredible significance in my life and certainly the fact that my appearances have begun to coincide with my trips over here I can't help but see it as a point of reflection.

Not to mention the fact that without going to that show I wouldn't be where I am as a comedian and without leaving that show I would not be where I am as a comedian and more importantly as a person.

I read this great article about the current economic state and mood in the US and the world as it relates to young people who are out of college or getting out. The unemployment rate is at 15% for grads which is 5% higher than that of the general population and I realized I've been out for 10 years but the article suggests that as the economy struggles to correct itself people will be alright with making less money and we will begin to prioritize life, family, friends and experience over material possessions.

On my desk right now in this little Conex box of a room is about 20 dirhams in coins, a security pass for a base in Africa, one pair of army issue green socks (thats right kids our luggage still hasn't been found) Hard Sun by Eddie Vedder is crushing my eardrums, I am as close to broke as I've ever been and I have this big smile on my face.

I've realized through losing my luggage, and throwing a few things into a backpack, through visiting impoverished children in Kyrgystan, driving by complete and utter poverty here in Djibouti and then standing in the clear blue water surrounding the Jemeriah Hotel, empty of tourists because no one has the money to pay $5000 a night for a room that doesn't even face the Gulf, I realized that the value of the dollar isn't just crashing on Wall Street but in my mind as well.

We're smile salesman the three of us.

(PAUSE)

Revelry and the Star Spangled Banner just played.

Two F16s just launched immediately after the music stopped.

As my friend Lauren says, "That didn't suck."

When last I wrote I believe we were leaving Kyrgystan. We left for the Bishkek airport at 0100 to check in once again about Johnny's bag that had until this point avoided him. There aren't very many places on earth more terrifying than the Bishkek airport at 1am.

Luckily we had our escorts. Jeff from the US and Russell who was a native. I don't know what we would have done without them. Russell managed to get down to an arriving flight just as we were going through security and he found Johnny's bag. Johnny had all of two minutes to hug his bag before rechecking it. Meanwhile something Russell said to me was swimming around in my head as I approached the immigration offiial. Rusesell had taken a look at all of our passports and after looking at mine he said that I might have trouble because my visa from last year didn't have a departure stamp. He couldn't have been more correct. The Kyrgyz official flipped through my book and said they were going to have to hold me there until they cleared up the issue and that I would be missing my flight.

I yelled over the booth to Lauren to go get Russell who hurried over and after a few minutes of incoherent discussion between the two of them Russell explained that the official would allow me to pass if I paid him the Visa fee of $70. I shit you not. I paid off a gov't official to let me through immigration. To anyone who doesn't believe that governments are corrupt organizations free of the constraints of conscience are seriously delusional.

We walked through customs, I handed Russell four twenties and he ran back to the immigration official. A moment later he returned with my passport and without my change. It was just like the scene in Vacation when Chevy Chase hands the guy $10 for directions after the guy asked for $5 and the guy just casually folds the $10 into is roll without ever thinking to offer change. "Now you see which direction you pointing... thats good..."

It didn't matter. We were through and we were on our way to Istanbul. When we arrived in Istanbul we had several hours to kill before leaving for Abu Dhabi. We were given passes into the terminal but we had to return at 11am for our boarding passes. It was now 8am Istanbul time. I can't sleep on airplanes but Johnny and Lauren were able to get a few hours on the 6 hour flight. Istanbul airport is beautiful and we found nice cafe to sit and relax until our flight. We ended up being there for quite sometime and when the bill finally came it seemed to have a few discrepancies. The exchange rate was off and the manager explained that the cafe, because it was inside the airport, was entitled to set it's own rate. This seemed to upset Lauren who then took control like I've never seen anyone take control in a situation since the time we went to McDonald's when I was 6 and it was 1031 and my mom wanted breakfast. Hell hath no fury! Johnny and I sat there while the discussion became even more heated and my nightmares of a Kyrgyz holding cell slowly transformed into that of a Turkish holding cell. So we did what any chicken nugget eating, country music listening American would do. We paid what we deemed the exchange rate to be and then ran.

It wasn't until we had wheels up that I felt totally comfortable. And a few, "Oh My God the guy from the cafe is on the plane" jokes later I realized that Etihad airlines is a sweet airline to fly. 25 movies, free wine, pasta, salmon, lamb and 3 seats to myself.

to be continued...

Revenge is A Dish Best Served...Against Orphans: A look back at the 1972 USSR vs USA Olympic Basketball Final

2010-01-14T02:35:00.000-08:00

Thursday January 14th, 2010

16:36pm

MANAS AFB, Bishkek, Kyrgyz Republic

We had the good fortune today to do something extremely special as far as I'm concerned. Typically when you do these tours or when you are enlisted your opportunities for going off of the base are limited. But today we were given the chance to participate in an OBR(Off Base Retreat) to the Jany Pahtka School, which is a school and orphange for Kyrgyz children.

After breakfast at 0800 we met at PERSCO (Personel Support for Contingency Operations) and boarded a bus for the orphange. The drive took us roughly an hour but this was caused mostly by the fact that the road we traveled was not paved nor was it clear of various types of livestock including cows, cattle, sheep and donkeys. I don't know whether our look of confusion and surprise was more or less intense than that of the sheperds we passed.

The road was filled with potholes causing our driver to slow down to ridiculous speeds to avoid sending all of his passengers airborn.

When we arrived there bunches of children ranging in age from 6 to 15 that came outside to meet us. They have this beautiful mix of asian and russian heritage that is unlike anything we had ever seen. As we entered the school the principal welcomed us, "Zdrastvueetee," she said with a smile.

It dawned on us really quickly that there were no lights on in this school and it was extremely cold. The bathrooms were outhouses. The toilets were holes in the ground.

The principal led us to her office where we all made jokes about what we had done to get sent to the principals office. From there we walked down a long hallway to their "gym." We were greeted by 100 young students maybe age 6-9. They were lined down the wall and across benches. We learned that these children were the most in need and although we had been told that we were going to witness the humanitarian aspects of our mission in Asia I really didn't grasp how important this day was going to seem until we were leaving.

After a moment of standing there. Americans on one side and Kyrgyz on the other, I decided to walk over and sit down right in the middle of the children and just act like I was one of them waiting for our teacher to give us instruction. Many of them turned with confused looks on their faces. But slowly they turned to smiles. Despite the language barrier, a few of them knew hello and thank you, we were able to communicate through smiles. It was definitely a Charlie Chaplin type show. Each child was then called by name and they walked up front where they were given a gift based on some need. A winter coat, a pair of gloves, a nice warm hat. We got to stand at the front and hand them to the gifts. As each one would come up I kind of wondered if they were as scared as I was, not knowing the language but all we had to do was smile and say Spaciba. And some of them would say it back. Some would try to say thank you. In my opinion their thank you was much better than my spaciba.

After the gifts had been given out two of the girls walked to the front and sang a song for us. We then pulled out lareg bags of candy and walked around. At first they would hesitate to take one but by the time we left hours later they were walking with us through the halls, trading high fives, smiles and mini tootise rolls. We left the gym and began walking the halls and thats when we first saw a few of the upperclassmen.

It occurred to me how similar we all are. The little kids freaking out about candy. The principals asking them to slow down and not to run. The older kids hanging in packs, the guys acting cool and the girls giggling.

The power was off. The toilets were as far as any of us are concerned disgusting and these kids were smiling.

We walked from classroom to classroom interrupting lessons to hand out more candy. In one room I hung out and colored with some kids for a bit and all I could think was, "what brand of colored pencil is this and can Buzzer send these kids some Bic schwag?" We went to the library and saw their makeshift shelves for their tattered books. And this I will say, Math didn't look any easier in Kyrgyz.

As we were leaving the library our translator turned to us and said, "the children were unable to go to the museum today. Would you guys play basketball with them?"

Immediately my mind went to the Summer Olympics of 1972 in Munich. The Gold Medal Game between the Soviets and the USA. And today a chance for redemption. As we all know Kyrgyzstan was part of the Soviet Union at that time so naturally beating a group of 11th graders would even the score. My logic is clear and so is my conscience.

To be fair we thought this was just going to be a friendly game but it became very apparent after they handled the opening tip that we were about to get embarrased if we didn't start playing some smart ACC style hoops. After controling the tip they proceeded to head down court, dish the ball to their stud center who promptly pulled up from downtown and swished a 3 pointer. They then stole the ball and hit another quick bucket. That quick we were down 5 - 0. We called a timeout, sub'd a player and decided to fall back into a soft 1-2-1 zone.

*note - the gym was so small that we were playing 4 on 4.

Apparently word was spreading around the school because the door to the gym was slowly being packed with kids. They lined the benches on both sides. They were ten rows deep going out the door and they were definitely a factor.

Consider the tale of the tape. 4 11th grade basketball players vs. 2 members of the US Air Force and 2 seriously out of shape comedians, one of whom was playing in his docksiders. The floor was bumpy. The wood was rough. The ball was stripped of any grip. The hoop was higher than usual. And possibly the most dangerous factor of all, they were used to all of it.

The crowd was seriously on there side, despite all of the goodwill we had just delivered, which honestly, I don't blame them. Snickers bar or not. A win here would do serious things for the morale at an orphange.

Sadly for the school we weren't just going to roll over. We regrouped. We remembered what got us to this point which of course was quitting athletics at a young age, choosing parts in musicals like Guy #42 in Guys and Dolls, leaving a lucrative career in broadcasting, attempting to tell jokes and ultimately doing shows in countries we had never even heard of before not to mention we just really took it upon ourselves to work the ball around. No silly shots. 3 passes before a shot. Look for the outlet on a turnover. We weren't going to outrun these kids but we certainly could play solid D and make them beat us.

The score was close with about 5 minutes left when their big man swished another long range jumper. We were down two when things started going our way. A quick layup was followed by a steal and another twisting spinning scoop shot by our Air Force buddy. The years I spent in my driveway with my dad shooting hoops over a broomstick came in handy on a couple of plays with Drago in my face. My buddy Johnny took a hard foul on his way to the hoop and despite missing both free throws, stole the ball and had a nice assist.

However one of the moments I'll never forget and I actually have video of happened next. The Kyrgyz brought the ball down and made one quick pass to the corner near the door where the students were piled deep watching the game. Their player turned and went up for a shot and what can I say, I just went up with him, timed it right as the ball left his hands and spiked the ball into the crowd.

My feeling of satisfaction quickly turned to embarrassment and it was specifically at this moment that I remembered that this game had nothing to do with the 72 Olympic Games. These kids were just kids. Not only kids but orphans who had probably never won anything before in their lives and on a day when they are smiling we decided to come into their unheated gym, with its bumpy floor and oddly shaped paint area and play like a bunch of drunk uncles in a game of two hand touch. The only thing that would have made this seem more like Thanksgiving day was if I had had a half case of Natty Light cans under one arm.

I have never been so ashamed of myself.

My apologies to their team.

But all I can say is, "You bring that shit into my house, Ima buy it a seat in section 201."

Honestly, it was a fantastic day and one that I'll never forget.

The show last night was awesome. Johnny and Lauren are killing it. The crowds have been digging it and as usual their appreciation for what we're doing is just an added bonus as we show them how much we appreciate what it is they are doing.

Thanks MANAS... Tomorrow we're off to UAE.

AFE 2010 - Arrival

2010-01-12T04:52:00.000-08:00

The trip officially began on January 10th. It is now 7pm on January 12th and I have yet to see Johnny and Lauren. So far this trip has been an exercise in patience with the airline industry.

United Airlines had no trouble checking my bags from my departure city of Denver all the way through to my destination in Bishkek, Kyrgystan. Unfortunately, my bags were lost somewhere along the way.

American Airlines refused to check Johnny and Lauren's luggage all the way through to Bishkek and because of this we still haven't met up. American told them they would need to recheck in London, a task they attempted to pull off but unfortunately the plane wouldn't wait and we missed meeting up in London.

As I arrived in Moscow I learned that they were ok and that the AFE had rebooked them on a flight to Tel Aviv, then to Istanbul and then to Bishkek. After a nine hour layover in London they flew to Tel Aviv where the security officials there pulled them aside for an intense Q&A most likely due to the fact that they made a large amount of flight changes to various destinations in a short amount of time. It was there that they learned that Johnny's bags never left London while Lauren's bags were being ravaged by Tel Aviv airport security.

The two of them are now scheduled to arrive in Bishkek at 3am Wednesday morning. Which means that it will have taken them almost 4 days to get to our initial destination.

At which point at least two of us will still be missing luggage, at least two of us will be exhausted and all three of us will be looking at 6 hours until our first show at Pete's Place on MANAS AFB.

The good news is this. We're going to make it. We might be wearing clothes that say things like, I (HEART) MANAS but the point is we will have made it and judging by the number of troops passing through right now...these laughs are really needed.

President Obama signed off on 30,000 additional troops. And almost all of them are going through MANAS. Army, Navy, Marines, Air Force, Civilian workers, Red Cross. Men and women. People ranging in age from 18 to 59.

I was riding in a Humvee today enjoying a tour of the base when we drove by the mountains that lie to the north and east of the base. They were beautiful.

At that moment I started thinking about my friend Cindy who just lost her mom yesterday to cancer. I thought about how short life is. How none of us know how it will end or when it will end and the only thing we can do is live every day.

I was filled with this great sense of joy. Every soldier I met today said the same thing, "Thank you." About a year ago I was working at a job I fucking despised. I'm not going to mince words. I truly hated it. I hated showing up. I hated that what I was doing had no real effect on the final results or the bottom line. And so I chose to leave. And I'm glad I did. Especially at moments like these when I realize that even in this life I live of relative poverty I am more than anything else, happy.

I know Johnny and Lauren will get here. I know that one day I will be reunited with my luggage. And I know that all of it will be worth it because of the smile we put on these soldier's faces and the experience of seeing those mountains off in the distance.

Live the life you dream.

In memory of Cow's mom. You created one hell of a woman.

Goodbye Denver

2010-01-05T13:26:00.000-08:00

"This isn't goodbye... it's just we'll never see each other again."

I have a large backpack on my bed. My cat is staring at it like I've made some adjustment to his living space that we never discussed and he certainly doesn't agree with. I wonder if he can comprehend that our time together is nearing a close?

In fairness to his views on interior decorating this is his room. For the past two months I've really been living in his room. You see he isn't even my cat. He belongs to a boy named Kenny and I've been sleeping in Kenny's bed. Let me clarify, Kenny is a college student and his parents are very good friends with one of my best friends from college. We are housesitting for them while they are on a world tour of Southeast Asia. Cambodia, Thailand, Vietnam etc...

(Funny don't you think that as I leave to visit the current battleground other Americans are vacationing in Vietnam. No political thoughts here...just an interesting aside.)

Kenny and his sister are here but they are in college and because of this fact I have had a bed to sleep on for the last two months.

I don't want to make it sound dramatic. If not here I'm sure I would've figured something out but as it happens I've stayed here. On a boy named Kenny's bed in the basement of a house in a town that I didn't even know existed until I pulled in two months ago. Broomfield, CO.

Broomfield is a suburb of Denver halfway to Boulder and it's been my home while I tried my best to break into the local comedy scene.

In the time I've been here I've been supported by a very gracious aunt and uncle. A best friend from high school. A best friend from college. And a best friend from an internship I had in college. Not to mention one crazy cousin who lives in Boulder. Each of these people has introduced me to many of their friends and family. People who opened their homes to me on Thanksgiving and Christmas. They fed me and gave me alcohol and a place to sleep/ pass out.

During my time here I met up with anothe roommate from college who I hadn't seen since graduation.

On my own I would go to the clubs here and try to push on a little further into the world of comedy.

As I opened the mail box this holiday season and received seasonal greeting after seasonal greeting I realized that I'm in somewhat of a minority. Not better or worse but a minority. The minority group I belong to consists of people who are 30 and who haven't settled down. I have no wife. I have no children, that I know of as the old shitty joke goes, I have no dog, I rent this cat and the only thing that truly belongs to me is my car.

Which is why when the radio went out the other day I got a little choked up. The same way people did when friends like Bumblebee or KIT or Johnny 5 or R2 blinked and seemingly gave out for the last time.

Living this way makes you more aware of certain things. The power of a hello and the sadness of a goodbye. Sometimes in life you say hello to someone and without even knowing it you've suddenly initiated a greeting that will be nothing less than a gigantic milestone in the book of your life. And it is a moment that can become even more memorable if you're ever forced to say goodbye to that person.

I think thats why alot of people prefer to stay put. They don't want to say goodbye. They want to be around loved ones and they want those people to know that they will always be there.

Living this way makes you very aware of the power of love. Which is in fact, a curious thing. It makes you wish you had something to offer someone. It makes you want to stay put and take care of someone and have them take care of you.

So in the end I'm not sure why I'm leaving. I truly love Denver. But as I get ready to go again I feel the need to tell those people that this has been a great chapter and if I had it my way I would like to see them all again later on in the story.

"I thank the lord for the people I have found..."

(Thank you SC, Barry, Rife, Abby, Austin, Ryan, Lauren, Karla, Manny, Kenny, Megan, Black Cat, White Cat(where are you!), Raph, Marney, Zoe, Jack, Honda, Shawn, Colbin, Racheal, Trish, Jack Fred and the Holiday Lights Boyz, Dave Gray, Dave Testroet, Michelle, Ben K.,Andrew, Greg, Adam, Ben R., Chuck, Jodee, Jack, Melanie, Wendi, Emily, Nicole, Dawn, Erin, The Hitching Post Theatre, Rally Sport, Sean, Pat, Eric, Heather, MLB, OneRiot, Ray Rice, Bobby Bowden, Cowmeadow, Joyce, Vedo & The Squire, Paris People, Gary, Jesse, Troy. The list goes on...)

Armed Forces Entertainment Tour 2010

2010-01-04T09:24:00.000-08:00

On January 10th, I will depart on my 4th trip overseas to entertain the men and women of the Armed Forces. I'm pleased to announce that joining me on this trip will be two extremely funny people by the names of Ms. Lauren Ashley Bishop and Mr. Johnny Cardinale.

We aren't entirely sure where this journey will take us except to say that dining on camel may once again be an option.

I will be making periodic updates on this blog, facebook and via email. If anyone would care to join the email chain please feel free to contact me at matt@mattbaetz.com

Thanks again for reading and don't forget to support your troops. They deserve it.

-Matt

NACA Central, Bitterness & The Cowboys

2009-10-22T16:05:00.000-07:00

Thursday October 22nd, 2009

I'm sitting at a Panera Bread in the shadow of the new Dallas Cowboys stadium in Arlington, TX. Couple quick thoughts on this stadium, our society and why we deserve to be destroyed. This stadium is a collasal waste of money. We are all still aware that when you take away all of the pizazz and the fanfare, the lights, the glamour what w're talking about is, as they say in Annie Hall a bunch of pituitary cases chasing a leather ball. I would also like to point out that the area around Cowboys Stadium, The Ballpark at Arlington, and Six Flags over Dallas is suffering. There is a Jack in the Box on both sides of the Stadium, never a good sign. I saw at least one house with boards in the windows. And I'm supposed to be here to make a few wisecracks about how weird life is?

I'm in Arlington for NACA Central. The National Association of Campus Activities Central Regional Conference.

At the last conference I was working with my buddy Reggie Jr. who made a comment about comedians who have been on the road and the inevitable onset of bitterness that occurs. Naturally when someone expresses their disgust in something like the Cowboys new stadium or the caliber of audience member they are forced to cater to on a nightly basis this disgust is a direct result of their bitterness and is never and should never be blamed on the audience of the aforementioned landmark devoted to a game.

I don't even think Reggie was referring to me and regardless it's fine. But I think it's a natural part of life on the road. As you drive around from town to town, from city to city, from bar to bar, from bowling alley to tanning salon to do comedy you are faced with America and Americans. US citizens of all shapes and sizes.

Sure, I know plenty of comedians who enjoy the road. They like the travel and the towns. But I know a far greater number who cringe at the mere mention of the road. The comedy condos. The bookers who act more like bookies. The hecklers. The quiet crowds. The old people. The young people. The couples. The drunks. The stoners. The couple who makes out the whole time your onstage despite the fact that they paid a cover and two drinks a piece and you stand there more perplexed that they're not even asking for their money back. It's like, don't you guys have a place to make out or do you buy tickets to shows because it provides a roof for your heavy petting?

But after to withstand all of these elements wouldn't it be natural. It's not enough that we have what some would say is the most difficult profession in the world. The job of making people laugh. And after we fly to Idaho with two stop overs, then rent a car, drive into the fucking bush and then deal with a sound system that doesn't work, a manager who doesn't know how to fix it and a bunch of locals who consider themselves to be comedy afcionados, after all of this we are expected to not complain about it?

Every single job I have ever had there are people. And those people complain. They complain about the hierarchy of the workplace. The politics of the gas station, the 7-11, the bank, the whatever.

Most of the comedians I know, when they complain, are complaining about their dream not materializing. Most of the people I've worked with in everyday joe jobs complain about the job. So on a scale of complaining I think there is a slightly more admirable shine to complaining about a job where your dream is on the line rather than complaining about the job when your job is just a job.

Where was I?

Football stadiums. Stadiums in general. First, to the people of Arlington, you're Ballpark is a poor man's Camden Yards. There isn't a single thing remotely unique about the Ballpark at Arlington except the fact that it is sitting next to the extravagant Cowboys stadium. Second, I don't mean to rag on the good people of Dallas and Arlington and Ft. Worth and all the other suburbs. This has more to do with society. We want to bitch and moan about the war, health care, education, civil rights, the list goes on and on and all of those things deserve our attention. What does not deserve our attention or at least to the degree in which we are attentive to it is athletics. Plain and simple. You can not tell me that our interest in athletics and the money we devote to it is reasonable. It is not and it is the first good place where we can start to improve. And I don't want to hear that the Cowboys stadium results in 30,000 new jobs. Thats 30,000 new jobs for 8 weeks a year (and probably only 8 weeks cause let's face it the Cowboys will not make the playoffs.)

Not only should we be spending that money or education but we should also take the money we spend on jerseys, on team cargo camo pants, on heads of cheese and spend it on teaching our kids that this is and always will be a fucking game.

The University of Oregon began their season this year losing to Boise State. After the game their star running back punched a member of the BSU squad for heckling him. And immediately everyone was on this kid for not realizing that it's just a game. It wasn't just a game though. It was this kid's life. Possibly his only shot at getting out of whatever situation he was born into. At least thats what he was brought up to believe. So when his team rolled over the way the Ducks did in that first game it's no wonder he snapped.

I recall Kellen Winslow of the Cleveland Browns, formerly of the Miami Hurricanes refer to football as a war. No Kellen. It's not a war. It's just a game.

I realize this jumped between discussing football and being on the road but I think my point with both of these discussions is simply that we are expected to entertain and make a laugh an audience of people who choose to buy purple camo cargo pants.

The Fellowship of the Focus

2009-10-18T20:02:00.000-07:00

The journey from the Shire began yesterday.

My car was packed once again with everything I need and I pulled out of Monkton with a course set for Raleigh, NC. It has been raining non stop in Maryland so it was nice when I hit the south side of Richmond, VA yesterday and the sun peaked through the clouds. The rest of the way into Raleigh was smooth as you like. I even arrived ahead of schedule and because my friends Courtney and Amanda were off at the liquor store I let myself in their back yard and played with their dogs Reuben and Zoe. Zoe had some kind of awful ear infection which came complete with a ridiculous odor but she was sweet so we gave her a pass. I forgot how nice it is to pull up to house and after a sloppy greeting from the dog, grabbing a ball and heading to the yard to play fetch.

Last night was the perfect way to begin the trip. I don't know what it's like for other comedians who are on the road but for me it's been a perfect way to reconnect with friends and make some attempt at keeping those friends close as opposed to just another confirmed friend on my Facebook page.

We had dinner with their friends Phil, Michelle, Hope and Josh as well as an old friend of mine from FSU, Brooke. Brooke and I lived in dorms that were right next to each other freshman year and since then she has backpacked through central and south america not to mention she spent time in Europe. She is currently in a Phd program at Chapel Hill and teaching.

After dinner we went back to the house and played Wii Bowling and Tennis, had a few beers and just enjoyed the company of friends, new and old.

This morning I woke up, had a cup of coffee and hit the road. Just as I was leaving Raleigh my phone rang and for some reason despite the fact that the number was foreign to me I answered and I was eally glad I did.

In January I will be heading back to Afghanistan and other points in South West Asia for another Armed Forces Tour. I will be joined by my good friends Johnny Cardinale, Lauren Ashley Bishop and as of today, Robert Schimmel. When I answered the phone today and the voice on the other end of the line said, "Hey Matt this is Robert Schimmel," I was shocked.

First of all it's an honor to be invited to do an AFE or a USO Tour. I was very pleased with the original line-up of Lauren, Johnny and I but to add on a name like Robert's is just gravy. We had a nice talk and hopefully everything will work out on that end.

Tonight I am in Gainesville, GA with my brother, sister and my three nephews. When I leave here Wednesday I'm not sure when I'll be back again so it's important to me to see these guys, spend time with them and be a part of their lives growing up.

Wednesday I head for Nacogdoches, TX and then on to NACA Central in Arlington on Friday.

Thanks for reading...

Leaving home

2009-10-16T16:44:00.000-07:00

A while back some friends suggested I do a tour shirt to sell at my shows. Just a regular t-shirt with all of the dates and places I have played this year. I kind of laughed the idea off thinking no one in the right mind would really be interested in buying a tour shirt for a comedian they had never heard of in the first place. Not to mention I'm not exactly at a point in my career where I know every date I will be playing for the entire year.

But for some reason I thought of the idea again today and took a minute to right down all of the places I've been to this year and all of the people I've seen. It may not mean a whole lot to anybody else but I felt like writing it out because I think sometimes I feel like although I'm driving alone on the road I have lots of people who have been there with support.

Irvine, CA - OC Comedy Contest

Bishkek, Kyrgystan - Armed Forces Ent. Tour (AFE Tour) with Jody Fuller

Bagram AFB Afghanistan - AFE Tour

FOB Lilley Afghanistan - AFE Tour

Kandahar MWR Afghanistan - AFE Tour

Camp As Sayliyah Doha, Qatar - AFE Tour

Al Udeied AFB Doha, Qatar - AFE Tour

USS Teddy Roosevelt Dubai, UAE - AFE Tour

ESKON Riyadh, Saudi Arabia - AFE Tour

Hampton, VA - Phish

Salt Lake City, UT - Westminster College w/ Tyler Riggers

Santa Monica, CA - Comedy Car Hole CD/ DVD Taping

Tucson, AZ - Pick up brother Nick begin drive to Nashville, Broke down in West Texas

Nacogdoches, TX - Cousin Mike Tkacik & Family

Nashville, TN - Nick, Kris, Ella, Zanies in Nashville, Zanies manager biggest douche in comedy. Jada Jones

Louisville, KY - Comedy Caravan w/ Rich Ragains & Andy Beningo

Bloomington, IN - Bear's Place w/ Will Hardesty

Baltimore, MD - Hightopps, Mom, Dad, Greg, Jessie, Jack, Brook, Jill, Kim, PJ, Jerry, Hilgy, Shea

Raleigh, NC - Courtney & Amanda

Gainesville, GA - Brad, Diana and the boys

Birmingham, AL - Stardome

Nashville, TN - Nick, Kris, Ella

Oak Ridge, TN - The Mantooth's, Pat Sheehan

Arlington, VA - Arlington Cinema & Drafthouse Mom, Dad, Raquel, Slink & G

Baltimore, MD- Spotlighter Theatre Mom, Dad, Raquel, Brooks Jen, Todd, Colleen, Jerry, Cal, Char, Warren, Patsy, Katie, Amy

New York, NY - Bar4 David Alumbaugh, Raquel, Mary Ellen, Brian, Jean, Chris, Heather Pfaff

Timonium, MD- Hightopps

Pristina, Kosovo - USO Tour w/ Ferguson, Rebecca, Dana

Germany- Baumholder, Ramstein, Ansbach, Hohenfels

Winchester, VA - Zeropak Live

New York, NY - Gotham, 92Y Tribeca, Bar4, Comix Tiana, Jen Schuler, Jen Kroger,

Pat Goemen, Heather Pfaff

Monkton, MD - Built the Great Wall of Monkton, aka The Wolf, aka Fuck John Candy

Branson, MO - White River Comedy Club, Chris Strait, Cleetus from Dukes of Hazard

Monkton, MD- Baetz Family Vacation

Spirit Lake, IA - Funny Barn w/

Boston, MA - Boston Comedy Festival Jason Oberle, Josh Beckett, Craig Noyes & wife, Cuz Stephen

Timonium, MD - Hightopps, Mom, Dad, Raquel, Date Me Baby One More Time, Mark, Jenn, Mike & Melissa, Elizabeth McAllen, Shane

New York, NY - Standup NY Showcase for Letterman, Beauty Bar, Goodbye Raquel

Chicago, IL - Zanies, Tara, Jen, Kel, Meet baby PJ

Lewiston, ID - MJ Barleyhoppers w/ Kris Shaw,

Richland, WA - Joker's Comedy Club, Lame

Spokane, WA - Goodtymes

Cheney, WA - Eastern Wash. Univ. w/ Reggie Flenory Jr. Tim Young Greg De Vries

Worcester, MA - City Lights 2pm on Sunday w/ Red Sox & Dodgers

Bristol, CT - ESPN Joe Taylor, Kerry Callahan

Oak Ridge, TN - Buffalo Grill The Mantooth's

Winston-Salem - NACA South w/ Reggie and Q

Raleigh, NC - Courtney & Amanda

Timonium, MD - Hightopps, PJ, Elizabeth, Shane, Ray Lewis

Morgantown, WV - Mountain Lair WVU w/ Matt Davis

coming up...

Raleigh, NC - Courtney & Amanda

Gainesville, GA - Brad, Diana & The Boys

Nacogdoches, TX - Mike & The Family

Ft. Worth, TX - NACA CENTRAL Tim and Ashley Mulvaney

Nashville, TN - Nick, Kris & Ella

Covington, KY - NACA MID-America

Lamar, CO - Sue Christy & Uncle Barry

Denver, CO- Works, Improv, Wits, Loonies, Rife, Ryan, Abby, Karla, Heather

It wouldn't even fit on a tour shirt anyway but I'm just happy with it. I like lists I think and this is one that makes me very happy. It's been fun so far this year seeing everybody and I hope you all have had as much fun as I have hanging out on the road.

Who is Spencer James? An Afternoon in Worcester.

2009-09-28T14:04:00.000-07:00

A common conversation among comedians I've known over the past 6 years is one that concerns the effect a "room" can have on a performance. Some comedians feel that the circumstances in a room can greatly effect a performance while others feel that regardless of these distractions it is the comedians job to take what is given to them and make the best of the situation.

I feel like I've always been in this second group. It's actually a reflection of my personality. When dealing with strangers I'd rather blame myself than call someone else out. And I've felt that way for most of my career as a comedian. Regardless of the situation I should be able to adapt.

It was a show yesterday in Worcester, MA that made me rethink this position.

Last Thursday I was sitting in Spokane, WA preparing for a show later that night at Eastern Washington University when my phone rang. It was Jason from Next Round Entertainment. A management company that also specializes in booking shows. For a portion of last year I was represented by Next Round until a few months ago when I decided that I would prefer to move on. We left on good terms though and because of that Jason called me about a last minute spot to see if I was available. I asked what the details were and he sort of chuckled and said, "Thats the interesting part. The show is 2pm on Sunday at a place called City Lights in Worcester, MA."

I've always thought of working the road as a bittersweet necessary evil. If I wanted to be a great comedian then doing shows in difficult rooms would just be part of the trip.

But I'd be lying if I said his description of the gig didn't scare me. But I said yes. I said yes because it was paid. I said yes because I guess thats just the mentality I feel like we need to have. When opportunity knocks you answer. Make hay while the sun shines.

Sounds cheesy but I really don't know what other option I have. So instead of leaving Spokane and spending a few days resting before my next trip to Winston-Salem for NACA-South I decided to squeeze in a quick drive to Massachusetts.

I landed in Baltimore on Friday at 11:30pm. I repacked Saturday and Sunday morning at 6am I drove to Worcester, MA.

City Lights Pub in Worcester is exactly how you'd picture it. Nice bar. Good beers. Local people. The Pats were on at 1pm. The Sox were playing the Yankees at the same time and at2:50pm I was walking onto a nonexistent stage to tell jokes. The owner, a helluva a nice guy named Dick, asked me if it was alright if we kept all the TVs on during the show. "Muted of course..." he offered as if this was going to make the idea of performing comedy at 2 in the afternoon in New England while both the Pats and the Sox played would be somehow more manageable if we kept the sound down.

When I arrived I introduced myself to Dick and the manager Sue. They showed me one of the flyers for the show that said in big bold letters, "Spencer James at City Lights!" Apparently for the last month or so Sue and Dick had spent quite a bit of time and money promoting the appearance of one Spencer James. And then at eight o'clock Saturday night Sue said she received a phone call explaining that Spencer wouldn't be able to make it and that instead they would be getting the one, the only Matt Baetz. They seemed pretty irritated by this and for good reason. Number one they had been promoting Spencer James. Everyone was expecting Spencer James and then I show up.

So naturally I asked, "Wow you guys must be huge Spencer James fans."

To which they replied "No, never heard of him."

One guy actually walked through the door and cussed loudly when he realized that the Spencer Davis Group wasn't performing.

They were visibily upset about the fact that I wasn't Spencer James even though they had no idea who the hell Spencer James is. And please let me say this, I don't know Spencer. I'm sure he is fantastic but for one solid afternoon I have to say I was kinda pissed that I had to apologize for not being someone no one knew.

After a few awkward moments regarding Spencer I decided to set up my stuff. Merchandise, Camera and Guitar. As I looked for the appropriate plug for the guitar Dick asked me if I had it all set up and I explained that most places provide a sound system and a mic and I don't want to get all high falutin' here Dick but some even offer a mic stand.

I know, I know, "Quit your bitchin' Matt!"

For about 45 minutes we fooled with the system before Dick decided to call his buddy to bring over his entire sound system which actually worked well. With the sound working I went to the basement to get dressed and wake up.

When I walked back upstairs at 2pm the bar was pretty packed. Not crazy but a solid turnout. The Pats were winning but the Sox were losing so I decided to sit down at the bar and wait for them to introduce me. A few minutes later Sue came over to me and said, "You can go up and announce that the food is ready."

I looked at her kind of confused. Apparently I was MCing a buffet. But being the good sport that I am (sorry if that sounds arrogant but fuck you too) I went up there, grabbed the mic and told people that the food was ready and completely broke the cardinal rule of performing which is don't allow the audience to see you until the curtain comes up. Unfortunately there wasn't a curtain unless you count the NFL footbal team banner that hung just above my head on the stage...er floor.

I returned to my seat, played a little Keno and then just as halftime of the Pats game was ENDING!!!! Ending! Not starting. But ending! Sue said, "You can go up whenever you want."

I inquired as to whether someone else might be able to bring me up. Introduce me. Something? Anything! "Nah, you can do it." She said.

So I walked up. Once again I grabbed the mic and said, " Good afternoon everybody. We're going to go ahead and get started..."

Great beginning. I felt like I was beginning a PTA meeting. I played on that for a bit. I tried to work the room. It was going ok. I guess it was the fact that I was battling the Red Sox and the Pats for attention that started to wear on me.

I actually think that might be a great game show. Set in a sports bar. A comedian battles against sporting events for the attention of the crowd.

The next 60minutes was kind of a blur. At one point the crowd screamed with enthusiasm but alas it was because of a Pats TD rather than one of my jokes. I did manage to get heckled by a drunk Baaahstonian wearing jean shorts who didn't appreciate the irony when I sang Jean Skier to him. I mumbled something about Thanksgiving dinner when I noticed the arrangment of the tables in front of me. Think bingo hall but ya know...classy.

In all honesty I was on stage thinking about my earlier question. I may have even said it outloud. "Is this my fault? Or is it the room?"

I asked Sue after I arrived who's idea it was to do the show. To bring comedy to the people of Worcester. She said, "Oh it wasn't ours. The company called and suggested it." I didn't know which company she meant and I didn't ask. I'm not sure if it was really her idea and she didn't want to admit it or if it was the bookers idea. And if it was I can't help but think to myself how completely insane it was for them to settle on this idea:

"Sunday 2pm Comedy Show Buffet Come listen to comedy while simultaneously watching the Sox battle the Yankees in a playoff preview. Not to Mention the Pats try to dismantle the Falcons. New Keno Machines!!"

I have never been so totally distracted on stage. But I still ask you, is this my fault? In my opinion it is. I should have turned in a better performance. But at the same time there should never be a show with these types of distractions and ultimately if a "company" is calling random bars and suggesting they try a comedy night to boost sales they should put a little more effort into guiding these establishments in what makes a great show. Not to mention they should emphasize the word NIGHT in Comedy Night. Not to mention other things like seating, lighting, time of day, scheduling so as to not conflict with the FUCKING PATRIOTS AND THE RED SOX!!!.

Also if something happens with the comedian who is supposed to perform every effort should be made to immediately notify the establishment so they can change their promo.

But that's life on the road and after a few hours and a few beers you start to understand the old adage, "Comedy is Tragedy plus Time."

And now that I think about it after being on stage bombing for 60 minutes I also like this phrase:

"Tragedy is Comedy plus Time."